I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
