I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
