He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
