fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
