I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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