evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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