I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
