A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dick very happy bro
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
