I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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