is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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