Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize