Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
