Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
