my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
