Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
