We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
