saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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