he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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