the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I look better un-naked...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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