and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
