Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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