Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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