I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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