My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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