Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
