my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well I just put wine in my tea
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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