My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dear god my vagina.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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