I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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