dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
