You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
