i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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