I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
