there's paper in my vomit.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
