I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
