I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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