I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
