was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
