Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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