i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
