Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize