I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
