she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
