Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
