oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
