Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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