farters have to be the big spoon...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
