The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
