we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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