I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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