Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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