She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
