First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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