My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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