It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
