Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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