i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
should my penis look like a turkey
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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