she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
