I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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