Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just googled if crying burns calories
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
