Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
